And my eyes were opened

It is curious how blind I can be sometimes. I walk through life thinking I know what is going on. Thinking I know what is right. I am glad that I go to church, listen to conference, read my scriptures and pray. Today my eyes were opened twice. I was able to see my life with new perspective.

The first was conference. It was wonderful listening to the prophets and apostles talk about the things we need to here. It reminded me of something I discovered earlier this semester. I realized that nothing gospel related will ever be addictive. It is part of our agency and no matter what, we will always have to make a conscious choice to choose the right whether that is choosing to go to the temple on a regular basis or choosing to read the scriptures daily. It will never be an "addiction."

Addictions of any kind are part of Satan's "plan." I realized that I have addictions that are getting in my way. I am not addicted to pornography or drugs but I am addicted to small things that are not bad things of themselves but they are pulling me away from the good things I could be doing. I need to remember that I can choose to be addicted or to do the things I should be doing.

The other thing I realized today was that I have been thinking about the temple in the wrong way. I am trying to prepare myself for my mission and for entering the temple so I have been spending more time studying about those things. I realized today, through study and talking to a friend of mine, that I have had the wrong perspective about the temple. The temple is a place I should want to go, which I do, but it is also a place where I will make serious covenants and I need to understand the gravity of what I am doing. I am grateful that with the Lord's help I can be ready to enter the temple when the time comes.

All at once

I have been contemplating how my grades will turn out this semester. It is unfortunate but I don't believe I will do very well in a few of my classes. I feel a little hopeless because I feel trapped. I want to do well. I want to meet my commitments but I just don't have the will power to do it.

I have a cold now. It is just one thing in a long line of things wrong with my body. I want to go into hibernation and let my body heal but I just don't have the leisure. I guess I feel like I am drowning and I don't know how to save myself.

Help!

If music be the food of love

I was in choir when I was in high school. It is one of the things I miss most about high school. I suppose I could join a choir at the Y but it wouldn't be the same. We weren't just a choir, we were family. The friends I have from choir are some of the best friends I have and today I miss them horribly.

I was looking through my music today and I found some of the recordings of the songs I sang in choir. We weren't fabulous but we were pretty dang good. As I listen to the music I realized that it has be a really long time since I have invested that much emotion into music.

It hurts terribly sometimes that high school is over. It is not that I don't love college but it is good in a different way. I will never develop the same kind of relationships with people in the same ways I did in high school. I will never have that same kind of experiences and that kills me.

I think what hurts the most is that I am a different person when I am at the Y and i don't know if that is a good thing. Why can't I be that ridiculous girl I used to be? Why do I let the stupid pressures of BYU get to me? I have lost my focus and I haven't even realized it. I want to be myself again!

And I want these words to make things right but it's the wrongs that make the words come to life.

I spent last night at a friend's house. We hadn't seen each other in a while, so it was nice to catch up. We ate Chinese food and went to Sunflower market, which is one of my favorite stores ever.

At one point that night, we began talking about self image. It is curious, because the one thing that I am not quite sure of is whether or not guys actually care about how girls look. See, it would make sense that if girls were being conditioned to want to be thin and wear make-up and specific types of clothes, that guys would also be conditioned to look for girls who follow those "rules."

However, I have also been told that guys are mostly attracted to confidence. If this is true, it would make sense that girls who follow the "rules," would be more confidant than girls who don't because they think they are looking the way guys want them to look and that confidence attracts men so the stigma is enforced.

I guess what I am really wondering is how much does appearance affect how much a guy likes you and how much of it is the confidence in who you are?

'Cuz we belong together.

I get in a really weird mood when I listen to music that is just right for the moment. This happened today. I really want to go dance right now. Or go swing on swings or something crazy and fun. It's driving me CRAZY!

Sometimes I wonder why I am not a dancer. Then I remember that I don't actually like being told how to move to music. I do think I want to take more dance classes though. I figure if i learn how to control my body better I will have more fun dancing when I am just dancing for fun.

I realized that I will always not-so-secretly hope that I will become a famous singer. I don't think I can ever give up the fact I love to act, sing and dance. There is something so magical about the creation of something expressive. I really miss that in my life. I think I need to get more involved in something....

Anyway, not that I have written a rather scattered post. I am off to dream...

But you gotta have the faith, the faith, the faith

I hate making choices. I know it is part of the whole, agency thing but it doesn't mean I have to like it. I am at a point in my life where I have SO many choices. I don't think there was ever or will ever be a time when I will have more choices than i do now. And the problem is, they are all good things.

I guess the biggest issue is a mission. I feel like I should go but I am totally scared out of my mind. Plus other things keep coming up like a study abroad to Iceland or the possibility of staying in school. I feel like I will miss out on so many things if I decide to go. I hate making choices!

Physics, friends and a math major.

It really has been a long time since I updated this. Not much is new. I have made some new friends who I hang out with a lot. I am still totally swamped with physics homework. Actually just homework in general. I am considering doing a double major in math and physics but I have to really think about that one.

I guess the thing that has been bothering me the most lately is the fact that I am being accosted on every side for not dating. The most frustrating thing about the whole dating thing is that all of the guys in my life are telling me this. Hello, instead of telling me to date, they could ask me out!

I guess I should work on that....